Week 10
Back in the helm with his team was nothing compared with getting out of a shopping trip with Mrs Big Ron. Being in NW management a while teaches you tricks you didn't know you had and BR was no exception. He told the wife he was looking forward to going shopping and he'd bring the wallet. This rang tight arse alarm bells with her and BR was coaxed in to going back. Can I had this only works if you're married, girlfriends will say great because that's about you loving her more than football. Most players love synchronised swimming more than their bag sorry wag!
BR knew during the week that his opponents were rubbish. Despite being the second round of the Irish Junior you can always draw a shite team and BR's boys had done this. The South Belfast Young Gay Vegetarian Working Mens Club (TSBYGVWMC for short!!!) were bottom of Div 8H of the Amateur league. It saved Big Ron a selection problem, he didn't have to field any ringers.
The great thing about playing a shite team in the Irish Junior is it gives players an excuse to bring the wags down to watch. Against brock opposition you'll look good. The Desperate Footballers Housewives (another TV programme) can watch in the false notion that there beloved is a great footballer.
An Irish Junior home game means the home team have to put up food for the opposition. The menu for feeding opposition teams has been passed down the NW for years. John McDaids “ Feed 20 players for £4” cookbook is a bible among tight arsed football clubs. In their heart home teams want to lay out a nice spread for the opposition but only if they win. No one wants to feed a shower of hateful City Slickers who beat you easily.
Most teams err on the side of caution and go for the cheap way out. A mountain of cheap sausage rolls, fish flavoured Chicken nuggets and a mountain of waifo ham sandwiches doused in cheap Lidl margarine. The cooking will be done by someone just back from a spell catering on Lough Derg. The sausages will be burnt stupid and end up looking like Rachel Hylton's willie. The nuggets will be a nice pink colour in the middle. Big Ron's missus sent down her renowned Irish Stew, fed to a group would have Inversoft working overtime.
Big Ron arrived for the game an hour early as he had to put up nets etc, . Most players believe only w**kers and boys licking round the manager looking for a game do this. Like most Belfast teams TSBYGVWMC had the best of kit. To his astonishment BR found the opposition arriving in a fine coach. The committee had suits on while the players arrived in classy looking Addidas tracksuits. All bought by their Arab owner, Sheikh Miwillie.
BR knew his boys wouldn't be here for another hour wearing God knows what. The recent revelations on Watchdog concerning Nike footwear was great news for one or two of BRs boys. They could could now say the smell of pish in the changing room was coming from their boots and trainers, true but for the fact they wore Gola boots!!
Everyone knew TSBYGVWMC were shite except TSBYGVWMC. They looked like a good team and talked like a good team but basically they were shite. The great thing about playing shite teams is that they keep telling you that “yous are a class outfit!” They insist in calling you mate and shake your hand after hacking you at knee level. By the end of the game BR boys actually started thinking they were good. A resounding 5-0 win was a record under Big Ron.
At the post match Buffet the opposition declined the food. Despite this Big Ron's boys decked the grub, “F**king gorgeous!” was their opinion. Two pints of beer and the average NW player will tackle anything whether it be food or women.
On Wednesday of the following week Big Ron had to attend his first North west meeting. Some say that NW meetings are like a soap opera but in reality they bear a closer resemblance to a sitcom. In fact a North West meeting is a bit like an episode of Only Fools and Horses . Meetings are in the Nags Head (Brigade CC) every third Wednesday of the month. In charge is the political wheeler dealer Del Boy Thompson. He is ably assisted by Wayne Glenn. Wayne would have to be Marlene , everybody has a bang at her and she always comes back for more. Deep down Del Boy loves Maylene because she has always been a casual cheat.
Sitting beside Marlene and Drew Boy is Trigger himself ,Jackie Morrison, I'll leave it there!! Marty Holland , new boy, would definitely be Rodney . Former member Raymond Kennedy would obviously be Boycie, well he took his job. The IFA aren't sending Christmas cards this year just “Get Wells Soon cards!!”
To borrow a political expression, NW meetings are inextricably linked with the TV listings. If a champions league game is on meetings will be short and all issues resolved quickly and amicably. No champions league, and I'm a Celebrity's finished, by God the tone changes.
The best NW meetings take place when there nothing good on the box. That's when “The Certain teams” come into all equation. “The Certain teams” are the clubs who break all the NW rules and are proud of it. They don't care if you protest because they know if the protest letter wasn't sent by Special delivery and hand delivered by a one legged postman they're safe. Depsite having spent a combined time of 6 mins at a NW meeting by God they know the rules.
There are four groups who at the meetings.
The first group are the Cassandras , keen enthusiastic buggers keen to get out of the house. They wear club polos and have a shower before turning up.
The bulk come in the second group. They are the Denzils, they don't want to be there but turn up unwashed in their work clothes in case the club get fined. They promise themselves they're gonna leave early but can't drag themselves away. Nothing cheers a NW rep up as much as hearing about other clubs being fined. The Denzils don't say much and anything they do ends in “they're a shower of B**tards”. This line is all the conversation you need at the nags head.
The third are Mickey Pearce characters, they hang at the back, sign the book and are back home to see the second half of Corrie. These guys set the scene for Eoghan Quigg, they've been voting 16 times for years and no one has ever caught on!
The final groups are The Uncle Alberts , they haven't been seen for years and still haven't been found out!!
Big Ron soon realised that when the floor was discussing one issue they were actually slagging the shite out “The Certain teams ”. Soon Big Ron realised they were getting at him. The debate about rule changes concerning postponements turned to “these rules apply unless of course your sheep shagging pal on the council shuts the pitch!” Big Ron was going to respond but these top table make the forum mafia look like Girls Aloud.
The first half of a NW meeting involves the top table fighting among themselves. This is actually only a ploy because once anyone joins the debate, they join forces and cut strips off you. These men have memories like elephants and if you say one wrong word they'll remind you of the time you played three illegal players in the City Cup back in December 1999.
Big Ron left the meeting worse for wear. Big Ron went home realising he had to face his next headache, organising a Christmas night out for his team.
Week 9
Losing a game by a cricket score is an indignity every North West manager suffers. At times like this it is great to have a family…. especially small children cos you can hit them and they won't hit back!! Having showed no interest in BR's previous success his family had questions galore about the 13-0 defeat . There's nothing kids enjoy more than their Da making a complete and utter public arse of himself.
No one takes greater satisfaction than the NW Football Managers Wives (great idea for a TV show) They only speak about soccer when you lose and love the old chestnut “Wise up ye ol' eejit fit ye better to stay in the house!” They use the club dinner dance to get you to fork out the money for the dress you were to miserable to buy her all year.
When you lose a North West game there are five golden rules for every norma l NW manager to follow.
1.Don't write a match report , that's only when you win. If you do write one (not recommended) make sure you blame the ref and say how lucky the opposition was. At least 11 of the goals were offside. Match reports are for games you win and to wind the shite out of your opponents.
2 Stay away from the forum. Stroller., Mooresy and Diggsy will wind you up and then laugh at you……….…for sport. Do not I repeat do not engage in any topic with them you'll never win. Look what happened poor old Parklife. Remember Andy Millar (IDGAF) hasn't been heard tell of in months, one of what can be described as the forum's disappeared!
3 Stay out of the pub in case you bump into other NW football people. For example Burnsy and Marty Holland. Avoid conversations like “ Did you see The X Factor?” the reply will be Newtowne, Newtowne, Newtowne, ..... Eoghan Quigg...... Newtowne, Newtowne, Newtowne, your round Marty ... Newtowne, Newtowne, Newtowne, pint Burnsy ... Newtowne, Newtowne, Newtowne….ring ring…… Newtowne, Newtowne, Newtowne….home in an hour Julie Ann darling etc. , or debates on how Newtowne could become as good as Benbradagh Colts in two years. Worse meet the Rovers mathematical department famous for quotes like ,” If you lose your next 2 games and we win 12 out of our next 49 we'll win the league”. Thank god Drummond haven't come out since they won the league all those years ago. They only get together in the dark of night for secret barbeques and to burn effigies of Mickey Burns.
4 Stay away from the phone . Some other NW manager will have heard your score and phone to find out the score. They'll pretend they don't know but you know they knows. At some point they'll come out with the immortal line “ Yous are too good to go down” this translated into North West is “ Yous are shite and I hope yous go down and never come back up, plus we'll take your best players…ye wa**er”
5. Last, but most important, don't watch Sky Sports News . This shows you what proper managers do. Watching this programme you forget you're a NW manager and copy the Special Ones.
Big Ron saw an item on Sky Sports News about a manager who brought his team into on a Sunday after a heavy defeat. Big Ron like most NW managers took himself a bit too serious and reckoned he would do the same.
Big Ron texted the boys to tell them he was having a special training session on Sunday and all must turn up. Within minutes Big Ron realised he had a team of religious fanatics, under no circumstances could they play on a Sunday. Most of the team hadn't seen a church door since they were baptised and thought St Vincent de Paul played left back for PSG. North West players will use any excuse not to train.
On the Sunday morning only 5 turned up and they could be divided into two groups of uselessness. The useless groups are shite players but you need them at the club. They have a car and could travel to away games plus they sell tickets. The second are really useless. They have no ability, friends or cars. They always come hoping to get a game and plus the fact they'll get a shower once a month.
Big Ron stormed home and realised he had no choice but to resign, North West style. Being a North West manager is like being in a paramilitary organisation you're not allowed to leave. There are two exceptions. Death is one, however,five or more squad players must attend the funeral to provide proof and a copy of the death notice must be presented to the club. The other is having a job on a Saturday. Initially this will be ignored and you will be told “You'll miss it too much and you'll be back next week”. After a few years with no one picking the team the message gets across and another manager will be found. There is a school of thought in the economic community that the current downturn on the financial markets and the downturn in construction is actually caused by North West teams stopping their managers from working on a Saturday.
Big Ron was resigning NW style which meant he wasn't at all, he just wanted to feel the love from his players. He posted his resignation on the forum on Monday morning hoping for waves of support. Within minutes the posts started but BR was horrified to see three pages about Marty Woods getting full on 2 Bacardi Breezers and how McGaggs chatted up a woman to find out it was a man. No word on his resignation.
North West players are simple beings, they have only four things on their mind – football – sex - beer – food. When someone says they are leaving they think he is leaving and batter on. They don't think as far as Saturday and wonder who will take on the exacting role of picking the team and making minging sandwiches.
By mid week no one had mentioned the resignation and BR was panicking. He went down to training in disguise and in the distance he could see a good turn out. To his disgust the players had organised one of his masterclass training sessions ( 5 laps round the pitch, doggies and a match).
BR knew he needed to do something in case they actually did get someone else. After training he gave an emotional speech to the players. It was moving stuff, Sky Sports News would have broadcast it live. “ Boys I don't think we share the same vision for the club, I reckon I have taken this club as far as it can go” This means I'm some manager and I'm too good for yous w**kers. As he left the room BR was given the glimmer of hope he sought, the club captain and fellow Sky sports News addict, spoke “ We realise that the mess we're in is down to the players and has nothing to do with the manager, you have our respect and 100% support” In other words we might be useless w**kers but if we find somebody daft enough to manage us you're out .
Big Ron said he was touched by the support. He had other offers to mull over he said. This was indeed true, he had a tempting offer from Tesco, Buy Two Capri Suns and get one free. He stated he'd go home and talk it over with his family This was strange since no one was speaking to him after the outburst at the weekend. His resignation from the sideline, had caused the wanes to threaten Childline while the missus was about to take the Goldline back to her Ma's.
As he left the dressing room and started up his battered Fiat Worse Than death the players turned to each other with a satisfied grin. They knew the big plonker would be back, deep down they knew it was resignation NW style.
On the Friday BR announced on the forum that he was going to take on the job on a temporary basis until a new manager would be found. This is a great way back as no one else would take it.
Big Ron was not only back in charge but he had to prepare a team for an Irish Junior home tie. BR loved the Irish Junior. While it is governed by the same rules as The Matt Morrison Cup the key to success was to get away with breaking as many rules as possible. The team who succeeded in playing the most illegal players and got away it will end up with a team of the round prize from the sponsors. The Matt Morrison is a different gameplan. In this you play you're worst team and then use the rules to get your opposition through out, the actual game and result are of minor importance.
Big Ron's boys had drawn another Belfast team, The South Belfast Young Gay Vegetarian Working Mens Club , this time at home. Big Ron also had to get the food sorted so he made sure he bought a pile of cheap ham and cocktail sausages in Lidl. Big Ron reckoned the opposition would love this grub!!
BR got back home and put on his manager's jacket, he was back. But the special one had one more managerial issue to deal with, the wife wanted to go Christmas shopping next day and he said he'd take her cos he'd resigned!!
Next time Irish Junior Cup home tie
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