Week 8
After winning two in a row, and one a local derby, Big Ron made a tactical error. When you're on top as a NW manager you should resign. Then you can stay in the background and slag the shite out of every successor.. When they eventually go then you can just say you'd love to do it but you're up to your eyeballs at work. Big Ron's honeymoon as manager was going to end, it was just a matter of how soon.
BR now had some cash to spend on a kit after raising £600 from the table quiz. Ron had a friend from India who could get the team a brand new kit and tracksuits for around £200. The source knew the village the gear would be made and the extra work would be good for the area. It would give money to the community and aid the children's emotional development. The extra work would mean no school all week and thus no 11+. Really BR was doing a favour to these almost blind 11 year olds who had spent most of their Art and Craft at school sewing sequins into Primark blouses. The kit did have a minor flaw, because they were copies they had have Humbro embroidered on them instead of Umbro. The players wouldn't have this.
Instead they settled for a kit from JJB. JJB had ran out of red and black kits so Big Ron got a great deal on a Purple and Tangerine striped shirt.(Why does every new team pick red and black?) Even better the kit had been numbered wrong so BR could get if for a knock down price. The strip had four number 4 jerseys and 4 number 12 tops. BR reckoned this was the job and ordered it. After all they'd never have a colour clash and it was a genuine Bukta kit.
In the midst of the derby euphoria big Ron signed up for the NI Football Forum. BR was like the rest of the world when The Gulf War broke out, he watched it unfurl live on TV. In a way the forum is a bit like that. Most punters just sit back and watch the mayhem, too scared to register and even worse actually post something.
In any army the generals lead the way and the forum has its generals. Mainly NW managers who post issues of little importance but always leave their posts open to praise from others. Nothing controversial here, if they say Hello they asked not to be quoted on it. The rank and file officers (players) usually follow in line behind and follow orders. Forums would be peaceful places if only they posted. However if this were true they would be very boring!!!
Every army has a Taliban like enemy. The forum Taliban strike when you least expect and go back to their work happy at stirring the pot. The Stroller, Sir Alex and Diggsy's of this world are on the forum for the fun. Nothing gives them greater pleasure than seeing a forum member bite. The thing about the Taliban snipers is they must always get the last word. Posts usually end in That's the issue dealt with in other words I'm right F**K Up. However the other Taliban have the same rules so they must get the last word and so the cycle continues until SJB steps in and wipes out the post. In the interim relationships between NW clubs drop to an all time low.
Every Warfield has its mercenaries, men who really shouldn't be there but are there for the love of conflict. The NI Forum has these too. It would be unkind of me to mention any examples of this because it would be unfair on BBColts. Mercenaries tend to talk up the achievements of their team and how they beat Supervalu 3-2 in a friendly during the summer holidays. The club were still on a roll after winning a trophy and a years supply of Waifos after their great success in the Local Supermarkets Cup This year these teams had succeeded in getting further in The Matt Morrison Cup than most teams in the NW, true but they had a bye. Their striker would walk in any NW team….. but he wouldn't run. When you haven't set eyes on your toes for two years you're hardly going to burst into a sprint.
BR was aware of the problems participating in the forum. He thought it safe to get behind Cheat's post on referees. Cheat is the alias of Wayne Glenn and his continual denial of his identity is a forum soap opera in itself. Sometimes Cheat says he will speak to Wayne or even phone him over issues. Other Forum names are equally easy to decipher. If it involves Arsenal its Woods. Beer its McGaggs, sex its Del kennedy and anything to do with animals Davy Gault (Fox Badger etc). One of the most sophisticated names on the old Newtowne forum, a drunken player enrolled as “ Newtowne are a shower of cheating b***a**s” This witty piece occurred one drunken night .
Big Ron left his first post only to be cut to pieces by fellow forum members. His controversial post “ Great derby game on Saturday “ was a red rag to a bull to the forum. The gentle tone of his post meant his sexuality was doubted by Stroller while Mooresy said he was a sausage jockey. The rival manager said BR had cheated, the ref gave them everything and BR's sister was a dog. Harpo said Sion were robbed last year and they won the league. BB Colts said they could beat the pick of any team in the NW and they had already beaten Douggie Bridge Res three times in pre season. The sorry at the end of his post meant his was such a profound statement there really was no answer. Parklife just wanted to know who Big Ron really was.
BR bit and ended up saying his team could push for the title. He didn't mean to say this but he was made say this by the other forum members who specialise in making you say things you didn't want to.
Big Ron got off he forum quickly before he needed psychological counselling. Only men of strong mental character should enrol in a football forum and only men of the strongest character should enrol in the NW Forum!!!
On the Saturday of the next game BR had a huge problem, only one player was sober. Every NW player has played in a game when the majority of the team were pissed. This happens when the NWJL turned down the clubs request to call the game off due to a bereavement. One of the players Granda had died. This may be true but this was three years prior to kick off!! These games will occur after a works do or a stag night.
Big Ron's team looked they escaped from Belsen . Pure white with a subtle tinge of green. The aroma of vomit lingered in the air of the dressing room. BR knew he needed a miracle to avoid a drubbing today. His team talk fell on deaf hears and he was told not to shout because he was aggravating the hangovers.
The game was a farce. By half time the score was 7-0. His centre forward was booked for bringing the game into disrepute. He couldn't hit a penalty because he was laughing so much, he was given a yellow and the decision changed to a free out (happened to a team I played for!!) The keeper took the shits half way through the first half and spent the 20 mins before half time in the toilet.
The rest of the team were doing the Hokey Kokey to Ron. This rolling of the arms above the ahead is a signal to get me off this shit is skinning me alive. However Ron had no subs so they had to stay on. At half time the one sober player on the team threatened to leave because of the attitude of the rest . Big Ron appealed to his players to wear their heart on the shirt and to an extent he got this. The left back put most of his stomach on the shirt just after the restart.
The second half followed a similar pattern. About two seconds after each goal was conceded the keeper would dive down after the ball. The opposition were laughing at BR's boys. Every NW team worth their salt would be kicking the shite out of their opponents by now but when your drunk/hungover you either can't or couldn't be arsed.
The game ended ain a 13-0 defeat, the honeymoon was over. Big Ron was disgusted and was in no mood to listen to his wanes when he went home. There would be one vote for Eoghan Quigg and no more. To add insult to injury BR switched on his computer, a big mistake. The forum guys were tearing him to pieces. Arsene was already on wondering what happened to the title chasing team while Diggsy reckoned he could play up front for BR. Mooresy and Stroller said they were right before, BR was a w**ker and should resign. When you lose a NW game never read the forum.
Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse then came the final insult, an email from BB Colts looking for a friendly!!
Next week Big Ron resigns North West style
Week 7
Please note all the material in the Blog this week are based on events that actually happened including the Sat Nav story!(My son was to blame for the Downtown one)
Big Ron behaved like any other after winning a match. If his team had lost he would reluctantly phone the result in. If he won he would not only phone the result but he'd go clean mad and email the Newtowne website with the scorers. Winning a derby would require even extra measures and a match report would be sent in to the paper.
As a NW manager the problem is your family don't give a shite if you win or lose, just so long as you bring a chippy back home from the game. BR was responsible for buttering the sarnies and under no circumstance was he allowed to speak until The X Factor was over. Ron hated Eoghan Quigg, he thought he was a great lad but the wee shite was costing him a tenner every week as the family kept voting for him (where could he buy a JLS car flag?) . BR was so disgusted his mob wouldn't share his joy that he registered on the NI football forum. He took the name Big Ron, imaginative or what, more on this next time.
Before Big Ron's next game came the simple matter of the fundraiser, The Table Quiz. Big Ron was duly appointed to make out the questions because he was the manager, and a NW manager must do everything. He was also responsible for the sandwiches and bringing half the teams.
BR always prided himself on being a likeable sod with a good few friends. This would soon change. Every time a friend visited they would be bombarded with lotto tickets and invitations to Dinner dances, Table Quizzes etc. Those friends who could afford to visit Ron stopped coming as every topic from The Credit Crunch to the 11+ debate ended up on the topic of BR's team.
Big Ron was no intellectual but he was regarded as somewhat of a genius in the club because he passed his 11+ and was able to enter the club in The Matt Morrison Cup without getting the club threw out, a literary achievement in itself. A spelling mistake, a club name with more than 3 syllables and two or more players with curly hair could get you kicked out of this event in the past. (this has changed for the better under Ken).
Anyway a quiz is great because it is easy money and keeps the players happy. They can take the girlfriend out and not have to spend any money on her. Most players don't give a toss who wins but their is always a group who really want to win. Usually schoolteachers/civil servants who sit and smile pretending their enjoying the atmosphere among the plebs but really they want that winners prize, it might be 8 bottles of Portuguese pish water sponsored by the bar but it was a winners prize. teachers have spent a career winning nothing, so they need any break they can get.
Every club has a Trigger, a player who is clean stupid. One of those peole who dopey conversations with you like "If me da was alive today he would be 106!!". Big Ron had his too. Last week he thought his Sat Nav was stuck only to be told by the mechanic he didn't have Sat Nav only a car radio, the DOWNTOWN across the dashboard was a radio station not a satellite location. There's always another player who the squad can't work out if he is stupid or quite funny. Strangely Big Ron's version of this was also a Taxi Driver.
Big Ron had raided the wanes games cupboard and dug up a pile of old Trivial Pursuit question for the night. The Question Of Sport quiz game bought for the wanes years ago in the bomb damage sale at What Every One Wants was now used for the first time. Entrance was £10 per team, teams were supposed to be restricted to 4 members. The team names are always a joy to behold. Marvellous witty names like The Sausage Jockeys, The Illegitimate Sons and Daughters Of Kylie Minogue and We Love Beer. the intellectual team would be something like the Credit Crunchers.
Big Ron started with a free mark for all teams. Question 1 was spell BMW however Trigger grabbed the pen and wrote down BMUU (double U). His team subtlety changed the spelling. Things got worse from here on in. Trigger was convinced Tsunami was a Newcastle Supporter and needed some persuasion to change his answer.
As the evening progresses and the beer goes down it got harder and harder to get questions called out. The other Taxi driver was roaring out stupid answers to every question. While everyone laughed he only laughed after they did which suggested he wasn't joking. He thought Hitler's Christian name was Heil. He peaked when asked what is your father's brother called? he roared out Willie McLaughlin.
All the way during the quiz the teachers/civil servants team got more and more irate. They had sat all night with smug smiles and gave no answers away. Yet with 3 rounds left they were in 3rd place. The teachers were amazed how these morons got 10 out of 10 in the novels round as they had watched them struggle to read the Fuzzbuzz books years before at school.
The problem is that he winning team, Tubbs Has A Big Willy, had at present 22 people in it and were nicking answers from every other team. There proudest moment was during the picture round when they got all 10 right courtesy of passing the sheet round the Chinese next door. Second placed side,Genital Warts, were only 2 points behind.
By the final round Big Ron was losing the will to live. Every question had to be guldered out while the increasingly intoxicated masses hurled abuse back. The loud Taxi driver got a laugh for shouting can I phone a friend so he persisted in repeating this joke over and over again. Because he was buying the drink everyone kept laughing.
The quiz ended with Tubbs Has A Big Willy coming first. The Credit Crunchers bravely sent up one of the woman to express her utter digust at the marking and indeed the whole tone of the evening. the masses listened symapthetically before raoring loosen up love, come home with me and I'll show you a real credit Criunch"
However as Big Ron sneaked out the door he suddenly realised that the drunken mob that were singing Grace Kelly before him were in fact about to play a league match in less 10 hours. His skilful left winger was currently running buck naked round the bar.
Next week
next game and The Forum.
Week 6
Big Ron was a great believer in DIY, if the wife asked him to do something he said Do It Yourself . His workload as a NW Manager meant that instead of cutting the lawn, washing the car and maintaining his property Ron was on the phone in his spare time looking to gather up a team.
Every Friday night some dingbat would phone with a Mickey Mouse excuse not to play. NW footballers love their games but will miss matches for three reasons. Firstly an Old Firm game, that would mean a course that day. Secondly the girlfriend wanted to go shopping and would pull the plug if left to go alone, that would be the “ have to go to a relatives funeral” excuse. Thirdly their scared shitless to visit an opponents ground for fear of getting small lumps kicked out of them. This would be “ I've a wile dose on me.” story. Anyway I digress.
Big Ron was handed the perfect solution when he got three Polish workers to cut the lawn and tidy the yard. After 10 hours work Ron paid the men, it turned out to the best fiver he ever spent. When they were waiting for Ron to get the money they noticed he was picking a football team. “Ahh Football....... these two men very good players”. Big Ron's eyes lit up, and before you could say illegal immigrants, Big Ron Ron had signed up Andreiz and Tomaisz or translated into NW, Andy and Tommy.
The forms were filled in and sent away to the NW's crack legal department. Big Ron, the tight arsed git, would pay them a £10 each for playing in this Saturday's derby. The boys would be told that they were staying all season but really they could play only one game for fear of getting hurt.
In the build up to any NW derby a lot of shite is talked, piles more than the usual shite that is talked. On the NW forum the experts had been busy forecasting since Monday when Cheat posted the ref . Cheat thinks nobody knows he's Wayne Glenn but my 3 year old daughter knows it's him. Maghera Stroller was on first, he reckoned BR's boys would be hammered while Mooresy said BR was a wanker and should resign. Big T was more diplomatic and after a three page thesis on the pros and cons of both sides Tommy said BR was a wanker and should resign. Harpo reckoned Sion were robbed in the league last year and didn't give a shite.
During Derby week those involved tend to bump into each other more than usual. All conversations include the phrase “Football is the only winner!” This is of course a pile of doo doo as nobody gives a toss what the game is like as long as they win. It's important during this time to pretend that the result doesn't matter.
Big Ron, being a tactical genius, started his preparations early in the week. His mucker on the council was told not to cut the grass all week. A little hole was to be dug in the centre of the pitch to stop their centre midfielder from dominating the game. BR told him to put his pet sheep on the pitch to graze. At this point I would like to point out that allegations about the groundsman and the sheep were unsubstantiated. He was only peeing and the sheep reversed into him.
The two Polish corner backs needed coaching too. Both had little command of the English language but this is true of most NW players. The new right back and left back (North and South Pole Ron called them) were told to bark Wanker at any opposition player who dared speak to them. During the game they were tutored to say “Jeez ref give us sumpin!” and later they were to shout “Com'n boys they're shite!!”. With this they could speak fluent North West .
Like any good NW manager on derby day Big Ron spent a large portion of the morning on the throne. Then, with arse like a break light, he headed off to the one game above all games a NW manager wants to win. If he won Big Ron wouldn't boast but by God he would gloat.
The crowd are the 12 th man on derby day. BR had his 12 th man along the side, it was his sister and her pet Rottweiler Tiddles. An evil mangy looking b**t**d and the dog wasn't too pretty either. Any time the ball went out the dog would get close and personal with the opposition.
Ron hated his local rivals, flashy gits. Thirty minutes before kick off they were out on the pitch in their drill tops doing a warm up. Big Ron's boys were arriving in dribs and drabs until about five minutes before kick off. His boys had a plastic bag in one hand and a fag in the other. While the opposition sprinted through ladders half of BR's team were pissing behind the changing rooms. One gulpin was emptying the contents of his curry the night before in the toilet. Subtle as all NW players he returns to boast “I wouldn't gin their If I was you”. Being absolutely stinking in public is something NW players take great pride in.
The North West sent one of their top refs. Being a top ref he would wear a yellow or red top. Black tops are for ordinary refs. He would of course give both teams a 10 minute lecture on how he would let the game flow etc. When you hear this crap you know he's gonna blow every tackle and send about 4 off, this is his game. At some point he will hold the game up for 10 minutes booking someone. Hands behind back he will bark ”Come here I wanna speak to ye !”, the player in question will not go right away and so this stand off continues. This fiasco goes on in every NW derby..why???
The friendly banter post kick off is forgotten once the whistle blows. The fact that the opposing right back was blown out by your girlfriend is suddenly remembered and indeed pronounced at the first opportunity. For the next 90 minutes hate is the order of the day.
The game started like a rocket and big Ron's boys were a goal down after the first attack. The midfielder sidestepped the hole to put his striker through and he made no mistake. Big Ron's boys are a team and stick by each other through thick and thin. On paper yes in reality no, they roared and shouted at the keeper who in turn blamed the centre half and so on. You know the drill eventually fists are raised and a fight is averted. However in the history of the NW these fights never takes place.
BR's boys took a pounding to half time but amazingly they kept the score at 1-0 The half time team talk was a disaster as everyone got their oar in. Most wanted rid of Andy (pole axed) who did nothing for fear of being hurt.
At the start of the second half Andy waltzed by three defenders (pole dancing ) to set up an equaliser. His cross was headed home by Tommy (pole vaulted). The game changed in complexion, it was now much tighter and the star midfielder had twisted his ankle in the hole in the centre of the field. The big centre forward, who had caused Mayhem early on, had met Tiddles and was still the worse for wear.
With 15 to go Big Ron looked round and saw an excellent bench.........beautiful wood unfortunately the boys sitting on it were shite. In a dramatic twist he decided to bring himself on. He looked round to see if anybody wanted pulled off, the left winger said yes but wanted to finish the match first.
Big Ron came on for the left midfielder, he was useless all game, surely BR could do no worse. His first touch was a nice pass the second he completely miskicked a ball. With 3 minutes left Andy went down the wing again, Tommmy overlapped (Poleover.... I know I'm pushing it!!). His cross went in the box, Ron wanted to volley it but slipped on the sheep shite and fell. Falling, the ball connected with his arctic blonde hair and went flying into the net.
Big Ron scored what the winner. He knew he should remain calm but this is a local derby. He grabbed the shirt and kissed it in front of the rival supporters, the big eejit finished by sliding along the ground in front of them. The opposing fans were generous in their praise. "Wise up ye grey haired ol' b..etc" was one of the more printable expressions used.
The final whistle blew and BR's boys had won their first derby in years. The two managers shook hands and exchanged well played etc. Big Ron hid his smile but his opposing manager knew deep down what Big Ron wanted to say!!
Next week The table Quiz
Coming soon Football Forums
Week 5
Big Ron's significant other did not share his Irish Junior Cup joy. He spent three days in the dog house as his Pedigree Chum huffed over his antics the previous Saturday. Arriving back in the wee hours stinking of vomit and piss didn't go down well. After days of “Ask yer Da does he want dinner?” etc Big Ron went on a charm offensive. Flowers and chocolates were bought but to little avail. Eventually BR went the extra mile for harmony and switched the heat on, by Tuesday, like the house, she thawed.
When Big Ron put on his manager's jacket for training, he noticed the missus had got BR embroidered on it. She got it done free from a friend who worked for Ballykelly Removals. BR zipped his jacket up to the top and headed to prepare this elite group of athletes.
Training on Tuesday should have been a happy place after Saturday but no. Girning was rife about the kit and could the club not even have a polo shirt like others. Due to this a committee meeting was called for the following evening in the bar.
Training was done in traditional NW style. In the North West there are six nationalities who turn up to train. There are the Ethiopians, skinny buggers who run mad round the pitch during the laps. Generally shite players but because they win the imaginary race round the field they think they are Haile Gabrielle Selaisse, he's an awesome runner but a shite soccer player. Another group are the Iraqis, they are the walking wounded. Men who suffer from groin strains, shin splints and are “ killed way the flu ”. The Iraqis do not do the laps or doggies but are always fit to play the match at the end. Some Iraqis wear civilian combat to training, too sick to train especially when it's cold or a Champions League game is on. Some of the Iraqis will wear a disguise in the training match, hooded top, in case they get seen in public and thus have their DLA disallowed.
The most common group are the Australians players who operate from a different time zone. They never arrive on time and conveniently arrive just as the match is starting..... work commitments. The French are the Gourmet players, they quit after a lap “cos I'd a wile feed o' spuds ‘fore I left the house sur !”. Occasionally one will vomit to prove the point. Finally we have the Swiss who remain neutral during training, they go to the front during the laps and talk to everyone around them. A Bold and subtle plan Baldrick. All the time they are slowing the pace down to slower than walking pace.
Training consists of laps, doggies and the match at the end. It is an age old North West formula that has failed for years , why change it now for God's sake. Big Ron had suggested using ladders for training but he was told to wise up and stop watching Sky Sports News.
The sixth nationality show up after training, The Jamaicans. The Sprinters, the buggers who clear off like a rocket after a shower so they don't pay their £1. They would take the Bolt off the door on the way out rather than pay their dues. Many of this group haven't showered in years but have a healthy cash ISA account with all the £1's saved.
The committee meeting was fairly well attended. The committee who turned up on Saturday never showed of course. The mood was niggly as the club psycho was annoyed he was blamed for the incident which saw one player arrested and the other left sleeping in a field.
When the meeting was called he spoke first, “Allegations have been made against me about last Saturday, they're balls, if I catch the allegators I'll kill them!!”. A great start. The purpose of the meeting was to raise funds to buy a new kit and maybe polos for the team. Ideas were sought, initially they were quite tame, £1 draw, Poker night usual chestnuts. Like all NW committee meetings reality was lost as the meeting developed. A draw with £100 tickets would be organised, first prize would be a house. The money would buy tracksuits too and a Mini Bus would be bought. After that a Marquee would be put in the pitch and there would be a Gala Concert featuring Cara Dillon, Eoghan Quigg and Seamie The Singing Digger Driver. Entrance would be £25, tables would be sold to companies. Maybe this would fund a new pitch with a small stand.
Of course this madness was milked by the tosspots who used it as an excuse to drink more beer. They knew a cousin of Dermot O'Leary and maybe he could compere the Gala Concert in the marquee . “Hol' on I'll get a pint and will talk about it more”. Then the same person was getting a contractor friend to build dressing rooms at the new pitch, free of charge. “ Hol' on i'll phone him from the bar phone when I gup to get a pint”
The problem with these ideas is that the gulpins who suggested these ideas are the very people who girn about paying at training. they never sold a ticket in their life and never would. The club captain brought things diplomatically back to reality, “Talking shite boys, yous bollocks owe a fortune in training fees how are yous gonna sell £100 tickets, wise up!” With that heads nodded in agreement and eventually it was agreed to organise a Table Quiz.
Table Quizzes are great, you can't lose money on them. Despite the fact that the average NW player is clean stupid they all think they are good at quizzes. One night years ago they got the answer to the £100,000 question on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. The questions would be made out by Big Ron because he was the manager and a NW manager has to do everything in the club.
The final topic of the night was discussing arrangements for Saturdays local derby. Big Ron's boys hadn't win a derby game in yonks. Maybe this year would be different.
Find out Next week!!
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