Newtowne F.C.

Sorry for the huge delay folks, the reasons are too long and boring!!

Overall Big Ron's first season went well. Mid table in the league and a decent run in the Irish Junior. An 18-0 defeat to The Mac in the cup didn't help though. In fact Big Ron was interviewed for Wayne Glenn's job at Lincoln . He made the 3 man short list, Scotchy was the other unsuccessful candidate he was going well until he was asked what he thought on one player on one team, Scotchy reckoned it was ridiculous as one player couldn't possibly play against 11!! Big Ron really fancied the free holiday home in Benone which came with the job but it was not meant to be.

The Annual Dinner Dance is the sign that the season is over. When first mentioned big Ron worried that he was going to have to hire the Millenium Forum, such was the interest. Each player was going to sell at least 20 tickets each. Little did he know that this goes on at every club and eventually only about 40 in total will turn up. No player will turn up at a NW dinner dance unless they think they have a chance of winning a trophy.

Big Ron was left with the organising. A two piece band called Pure Shite was booked, they knew about 5 songs but at £30 who cared. They got one booking a year, Big Ron's dinner dance. Trophies would be purchased from the bargain range at the nearest Jewellers. Despite the fact they looked like miniature headstones, players would still bust their balls to get the trophy and ultimately get their photo in the paper. A celebrity was needed to present the prizes, so Eoghan Quigg's P.5. teacher was brought in.

The sponsor's bar had to be the venue. Standard dinner dance fayre would be served. In keeping with time honoured NW dinner dance tradition the soup will be boiled water with vegetables and the main course will be colder than the sweet.. One or two might get salmonella but overall Big Ron was happy. He bought all the food from a man selling frozen food at the door and the meal cost about £3.60 ahead, the tickets were £15 each.

At the start of the evening the players and their wags arrive. No player will move for 30 minutes because they have a nice new suit and tie on and they're sober. The wags look like they have been on holiday in a nuclear reactor with the fake tan heaped on. The players stand, the wags sit. As they sit they look like an explosion in a bread factory with baps hanging out all over the place. Their dresses had about as much cloth as would tighten the head of a spade.

For some reason the club weed will bring along a really nice bird. She's only there to get out of the house, get her dinner and get full for free. For his team mates the answer was simple addition, “I'd give her one!” to which the logical Mathematical reply is “I'd give her one too!!”

Big Ron's first problem came with deciding who would win the prizes. The reality is the Player Of The Year Award couldn't go to the Player Of The Year . Wise Up this is the NW, that prize had to go to the best player at the club who might leave, the trophy would make them feel guilty and stay. The Player's Player Award is the biggest joke of all. Decided on the night, 8 drunk players vote for the player who has performed best all year. They will vote on who was Man Of The Match in the last game of the season regardless if the player involved was shite all year. The best player all season has no chance since those voting will not vote for him because they want to win it. The upshot is some average player, who will buy dinks for the rest of the night, will collect the award. The Iranian elections are fair in comparison.

The wanker who does all the dirty work at the club will be handed Clubman Of The Year to keep them sweet. A bunch of flowers from Costcutters for Mrs Big Ron's in recognition of her support and washing the kit completed the prizegiving.

Pure Shite stated off with a country style version of Valerie. It was the cue for the Wags to hit the floor. Within seconds the floor looked a scene from Torchwood. A cloud of hairspray ascended on the dance floor. Orange faced woman minging with perfume and with freaky white teeth tried in vain to dance in tune to Val……. Ir……. reee

The dinner dance starts in earnest after the presentation. Most of the team head to the toilet for a piss and start slagging the shite out of the winners. When they move outside the suit jacket is removed, the tie lowered to waist height and more alcohol is consumed. As I have said in his blog on many occasions most NW players talk a great deal of shite and this is because they watch far too much Sky Sports News. The level of shite talked reaches a peak at the dinner dance.

Gathered in a big group the boys will startdiscussing all matters soccer. The club will do great things next year etc etc. Then the most useless player at the club will state he won't sign until he is assured new signings are coming to the club. Some other ballbag will chip in with I reckon “I might need a new challenge, maybe not this year but sometime”. The truth is nobody gave a shite about either and would get the boot if anybody else did sign. Big Ron was learning the trade fast and dropped two names that would sign. Of course this would never happen but it would keep the boys happy.

By the second song, “ I feel The Pale Moon Rising!” the numbers on the dance floor have dwindled. The alcohol, combined with the anger at not winning an award…again, start to annoy some of the men. Their girlfriends are pissed and they're flirting around the Top Scorer. This eventually leads to the highlight of any North West dinner dance, The Fight. The Fight is a necessary distraction for the band because they don't know the last verse of their third song, “Walk Of Life”.

During the fight a NWFC dinner dance turns into WWE!! I had the misfortune of taking my wee boy to WWE in the Odyssey were I watched big gay men wearing fake tan and tight shorts pretend to wrestle for 3 hours, pure torture. However it is totally realistic in comparison to a dinner dance scrap. The initial arguing will last until the end of the classic fourth number “Point Of Rescue.” When all at the dance have gathered round the fight will start.

Fists were thrown in all directions and if Big Ron wasn't such a cowardly get he would have stepped in. Only about 1 punch landed. The wags were squawking like mad to stop and then they wailed into each other. The fight stopped just as Pure Shite played the last of their 5 song repertoire. As Faith Of Our Fathers blazed out the boxers got themselves tidied up. Nobody ever gets hurt and at most a shirt button is ripped off.

By 11.15 all the young ones had left to go to a club and only Big Ron and the missus were left. Pure Shite had to stop during the second verse of Faith Of Our Fathers because the keyboard player electrocuted himself. All in all it was a successful dinner dance and would be the same next year too!!

 

Week 13

This should be filed under February but I couldn't be arsed, my wanes are running buck mad out the front and my car needs a new exhaust!!

Big Ron had bad memories of The Matt Morrison Junior Cup. In it's previous guise as the North West Junior Big Ron had played on a team that beat a crack Coleraine outfit. Five of the Coleraine team had played for Coleraine's senior side the week before. Despite winning 3-1 BR's team were kicked out because Ron wasn't spelt with a capital R. The Coleraine side were kept in under the “ We'll get you b*****ds in the long grass rule ” that Newtowne were once put out under.(by the way I would never drag up the past!!) I shouldn't say that as many of the Coleraine teams have gone out of their way in the cause of equality in recent years, now the entire squad is illegal so that no one feels left out!!

This year Big Ron boys were facing a team from the Saturday Morning League. Big Ron worked with a few Derry men who basically told him to stay at home since this league was second in standard only to The Champions League. People in the City tend to hold this view, the top 3 in Europe would be Man Utd, Real Madrid and then Clifton Villa. Big Ron's boys were drew against Top Of The Hill Rangers who beat Fountain Celtic in the last round in a sudden death shoot out (the game actually ended in 90 mins but that's another story!).

Big Ron's boys were on a bad run of form so this was a cue for the wankers on the fringe of the team to complain about the manager and start using Sky Sports News speak again. “He's lost the dressing room!!” and “ His tactics don't suit our style of play” were being bandied about by players who were never good enough to find their way into a dressing room. These players or as they are known in North West speak, Subs, are Catriona Ruanes absolutely useless but no one else will take their place so you have to put up with them. I reckon Sky Sports News is going to be the ruination of Junior Soccer.

Big Ron knew he needed a win to settle his players down. Ron knew he would never be replaced because nobody else wanted the job but it would create the typical Junior Soccer scenario were the players think their manager is a total tosspot. In these clubs the manager organises everything and thinks he pick the team, in reality it is two or three players. If you think you're a good North West manager you wear shorts along the line. If Burnsy, Wayne Glenn, Tommy Canning and Da Fox can do it why couldn't Big Ron.

Big Ron's team were townies and that meant they liked playing against the City slickers and in fact relished the chance of beating them. The difference between city and town teams is the use of zo and ze. In Derry all players end with zo e.g. Mooreso, Donso. Oxo, Gonzo, Bondso, and in towns like Limavady all names end in Ze for example Woodsy, Burnsy, Tubbsy, Moooresy etc. Villages like Maghera, Dungiven, Burndennett and Draperstown don't bother with nicknames unless it scares the shite out of the opposition. Playing against Bear, Pschyo, Killer, Hatchet and Mad Dog you're going to be somewhat reluctant to go into a 50/50. The exception is of course Claudy Utd where every one is called McSparron!

Every town team however has a few country bumpkins playing for them. Boys from places like Drumsurn, Fallagloon, Moneyneena and Feeney. They're different from ordinary players in many ways. Most players have seasons like Gaelic, Soccer, Rugby and Cricket which impacts upon their availability. They on the other hand have two seasons, lambing and futbal . Whether it be soccer, gaelic or rugby these boys will play the games the exact same way with the same rules. They don't have girlfriends they have cars and come out with statements like “ Does she purr when she's in 5 th? ”, “Does she suck much diesel?” and “Can she drift in when she gets over 50 ”. Well at least I hope they're talking about cars.

The transport to the game was provided courtesy of the country players. The journey up was comfortable enough. Nothing like cruising in a white ford way the windie down, a coke on the roof and U2 blaring in your ears. The game was moved to a 11a.m. kick off to help the home team acclimatise.

  Big Ron decided he would take his team talk before the game from the Burns and Holland Handbook. This has now been translated into 27 languages although to my knowledge an English version is not yet available. Basically you shout loudly and swear a lot. All you need to do is say “F**k” and “lads” at least twice in every sentence.

For the first 10 minutes of the game Big Ron's boys were run ragged. The other team oozed class and were a threat every time they touched the ball. Just how Ron's charges kept it 0-0 after 25 minutes was a miracle. The good players were hard to get near and were jumping over the tackles. However as the half wore on the game changed. The opposition faded and not only did Ron's lads get into the game but went into the interval leading 1-0.

At one point the game got physical after some of BR's lads were on the receiving end of a dirty tackle. Here lies another difference between the two leagues. The SM teams will kick you but give you no prior notice. North West teams tend to threaten you first then kick you, this is perceived as being the decent thing to do. Some NW teams find it friendly to threaten you before the game just to limit the element of surprise. It has always tickled me since my own playing days in the North West how a player can kick the shite out of you for 90 minutes and then bring you over a drink and a plate of sausage rolls after the game. Is this an exclusively North West thing?

Big Ron's half time team talk was a subtle mixture of Burns / Holland and Mooresy/Magherastroller. This meant not only F**k sake lads but also slagging the shite out of the opposition. Fired up by a mouthful Gordon Ramsey would be proud of, how could BR's boys lose against a team of gay pub league players.

As the second half progressed the opposition died. Some were hungover from the night before but the vast majority were conserving their energy. Some of the lads were promised a few pounds to play with Ardmore in the afternoon and later on that evening they wee playing with Du Pont in the Duffy Bookmakers Cup. Next day would be two more matches with Swilly Rvrs and Shrove Rovers so it was no point busting a gut now and losing out on the other matches, at least there was money in them.

The opposition had 9 men after 78 minutes. One sent off and the other walked cos the rest of the team were shite. Both we're in Ardmore 's starting XI and had to be at McCourts for 1.55p.m and sped out of the ground. The game ended in a flourish with Big Ron's boys scoring twice late on to run out 3-0 winners.

Big Ron's team went back to the bar after the game for refreshments. The home team took a pint and left while BR's boys awaited the soup and sausage rolls. They never appeared. It was great result for Big Ron and for his Drumsurn players who got the chance to fill up with diesel when they were up in Derry .

Big Ron now faced his sternest test in management an away game against world Club champions Immaculata. The Mac won the Irish Junior last year and have a player who appears on every forum from Nifootball to You're On Sky Sports News to BBC Question time telling everyone about it. Who would win in a no hold sbarred online forum fight between Mooresy, Magherastroller or The Mac?

Find out next how Big Ron got on and if any Belfast team ever gives the opposition anything to eat after a game!!

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Week 12